


Underwater

by vintagecassetes



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Guilt, Introspection, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23885155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintagecassetes/pseuds/vintagecassetes
Summary: Connor found himself underwater most nights.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Underwater

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> 1\. implication of suicidal ideation  
> 2\. descriptions of drowning  
> 3\. mentions of abusive behaviors

It comes in waves.

There are those split seconds between sobs where you suddenly can't feel anything, and whatever you were upset over becomes so distant that, for a moment, you think maybe you've started to move on. For a moment, there's numbness. For a moment, there's peace. 

But then it crashes down again.

It _always_ crashes down again.

When you're drowning, you don't inhale until the very end, when everything starts going black. That instinct to keep the water out is so strong that your body cuts off your ability to voluntarily hold and release your breath. And you're able to take all that pain, that awful twisted tightness in your chest, because part of you is afraid that inhaling the water is gonna hurt worse. And the longer you go pushing on your lungs, the worse it gets.

It's only at the last moment, the moment that human will and biological mechanics run out of power and let it all in that the hurting stops. 

On nights like these, there's no energy left to even _think_ , so the same monologue of apologies and longing echoes itself over and over in your head, spinning around and wrecking any other thoughts like a hurricane.

All the 

_I'm so fucking sorry, Mom. You were just trying your best to hold everybody together all the time. All you ever did was love your son in the best way you knew how and all I ever did was make you feel hated. You deserved so much better._

And the

_Dad, you were right all along. I mean, I knew you were, but I guess I just didn't want you to know that. I knew that I was a disappointment, it just got to a point where that wasn't really motivation to do better anymore, it kinda just became a title of defeat. I always fucked everything up. I'm sorry I put so much stress on you. I never wanted to be such a burden._

Also the

_I'm so sorry I was always so mean to you. You never did anything wrong. It keeps me up at night remembering what an absolutely awful brother I was. All you ever wanted was to just play and be friends and just be normal fucking kids and all I did was bully you. I love you so much, Zoe, I'm so sorry._

And in your mind, you can see them all in these individual glass boxes, sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Your family, your friends, every person you ever let down, banging on the walls and fucking _screaming_ your name, begging for help. But all you can do is sit there paralyzed and watch while you remember every time your little sister begged to watch a movie together and you said no. You were too tired. And every time you overheard your dad crying alone downstairs, seated at the piano in the living room because he'd worked overtime all week and just wanted to spend a little time with his family but of course it all had to end in a fucking argument. You can see all of them crying and pleading as they go down but all you can do is watch as you feel this huge weight start to pull you down with them.

Eventually, all that's left is your sinking heart. It gets heavier and heavier, saturated with guilt and shame, and rests at the bottom of your chest where it seems to stay for an eternity.

____________________________________________

Connor found himself underwater most nights.

He could see the sun gleaming down through the murky blue. The world was jewel-toned. There was nothing. In this place, he had no memories, no past or future, no name, no age, no gender. He just _was._ Floating in a quiet, empty openness, it was peaceful. 

He'd start to swim up. He'd push and glide, going up and up until he realized..

there was no surface.

Then the panic set in. 

Frantically looking around, trying to figure something out, Connor kicked and thrashed to keep going up as the tightening sensation of a rising ratio of carbon dioxide kicked in. The more he fought, the more it _hurt._

The tightness in his chest would pull and pull on the inside of his body until the pain became so unbearable that he'd just-

he'd just let go.

A moment of peace.

As everything would start fading to black, he'd suck in a breath, knowing there was nothing to lose. But water would not come flooding into his lungs. 

He was breathing air.

Not a moment after he realized this, it was all slipping away into some other place where a hushed voice was calling to him. 

"Hey- uh, Connor? Connor, wake up. Connor?"

Connor registered the gentle grip on his arms jostling him and the dim blueness of dawn peeking through the skylight directly above him.

"Ev?" He groaned.

"Sorry, it's just, you were kicking again. I hate to wake you up it's just- I wasn't sure if you were like- having a nightmare or what." Evan responded. 

Connor didn't know what to call it. A dream or a nightmare. The line was so blurred these days. All he knew was it just kept coming back.

He nodded tiredly and pulled Evan closer to his side, trying to re-center himself. " 'S fine, 'm sorry about that." he mumbled.

Evan brought his hand up and traced Connor's jawline with his fingertips, still sensing something off.

"You okay?" he mumbled.

Connor drew in a deep breath that turned into a shutter and tensed up.

_Hold it together._

He was always doing that, trying to hold it together. Pushing out all the hurt, refusing to let it flood him. But there would always come a day when the waves had tossed him around so hard for so long that he'd just break the fuck down. Sometimes he'd cry so hard on the bathroom floor at 2 AM that he'd vomit into the toilet and pass out not even five minutes later. Poor Evan would find him curled up next to the cabinet in the morning and Connor would have to tell him it was just a stomach bug. Hell, he, himself, tried to believe it too.

After a long silence, Connor swallowed. "I -" he paused, "I don't know."

Evan was weighing things to say, the way you do when you've never been good with words and they seem to always fail you when you need them the most.

Hus thoughts were interrupted though, when, Connor's chest started to quiver, and he was suddenly breathing quite heavily from his mouth. Oh. Uh. Okay.

"Um, h-here let me-" Evan whispered as he unwrapped himself from Connor's arm and shifted out from his position curled up at Connor's side. He scooted up as Connor moved down and pressed his face into Evan's ribs, sliding his arms around his waist and crying into his shirt. 

Evan was kind of taken aback, honestly. Connor didn't _cry_ too often. At least, not in front of Evan. And when he did, it wasn't so sudden. There was a buildup. A pressure on the inside that used to come bursting out as strings of explicatives and broken glass on the Murphy's kitchen floor. Maybe that was what Connor was upset about.

Evan's hands silently found their way to the elastic that had been holding Connor's hair in the same bun for almost two days. 

"Can I..?" he 

Connor sniffed and nodded. 

Carefully, Evan unbound Connor's rough, brown waves from their messy gathering at the base of his neck. He wove his hands through Connor's scalp, gently massaging and sorting out the part with his fingers. When that was done, he cradled Connor's head in his arms and held him against his chest.

Connor went through cycles of dry heaving and quiet hyperventilation to slowed, deep breaths before picking back up again. Evan's heart broke every time he started over.

And after a long time, he spoke.

"It's just- ..it's like w-water" he choked out.

Evan released Connor from his arms. "You want water? Here, I can go get some, you want ice?"

Connor shook his head. "It's just- me, like- it feels like water. Like the ocean and I feel so fucking trapped like I just don't- don't know.." 

"Oh. You mean..like you _feel_ \- like..drowning?" Evan said hesitantly. 

Connor nodded. His hands were clutching the back of Evan's t-shirt. Like he needed something to hold onto while he tried not to give into the temptation to just wash away. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, you- you don't have to be." Evan tried to reassure, running a calm hand up and down his boyfriend's back.

"It's- the guilt. I just feel like e-even after everything, I'm not..like I'll never.." Connor tried to explain, but they'd been through this before.

Evan knew what he meant. Like nothing he could do would ever erase the person he used to be. Like even though his relationship with his family was repaired and much better now, he could never get back those years that had been crushed under angry boots and lost behind slammed doors.

"I know, but the only thing left for you to do is forgive yourself." Evan murmured quietly and slowly. "And.. s- sometimes that's the hardest part, y'know? Like the fact that everyone else has forgiven you doesn't fully heal those...that _void_ you have."

"Exactly" Connor breathed as the shuttering ripped from his aching lungs again and his grip on Evan's t-shirt tightened. For a minute there, he really just wanted to disappear. Like he was never even there. 

Evan was having to try and hold _himself_ together now. Connor was trembling so hard. He couldn't bear to think of the thoughts that must've been running through his head. 

"It hurts, Ev." Connor cracked. "It hurts so much." He felt like the tide had pulled out with all the pain he had put everyone else through and eventually rushed back to drown him in it.

There was a physical pain that struck Evan's heart at how brokenly Connor had said that. Something about it was scary. He couldn't tell if this sudden vulnerability was a sign of him getting better or getting worse.

"It's...sometimes you gotta let it in. Like you can't keep pushing it away because all that does is delay the healing," Evan paused. 

"And sometimes..you just- _need.._ to let it hurt. But then know when it's okay to let go." he said softly as a few tears came breaking from the rims of his eyes. 

Connor nodded and tightened the embrace. "I'm so sorry you have to deal with this." 

"Hey, shh, no. I'm here because I want to be. Because I love you." Evan breathed, trying to articulate all the millions of other things spinning around in his head into cohesive sentences because there were tears spilling down his face and also through his shirt because he had a distressed Connor on his chest and so much love but so much pain in his heart and for _once,_ just _once_ , too many words to say. 

"And.. I'm here because you love me too. I know you _do_ because I know you _can_. But most importantly, I'm here because.." he swallowed. "..because you _deserve_ to be loved and fucking _know_ it, Connor! And feel worthy of it. Because you _are_! You are, and you always have been and you always will be." 

Connor felt like he was out of his body. There was this sudden, overwhelming sense of _realness,_ but also a weird feeling that this was never supposed to happen. Like life had taken some alternate path and placed him in the hands of someone who had been merely an acquaintance to him until that point because it knew what he was planning to do that day. And to be truthful, he wasn't mad about it. He wasn't mad at all. 

By some miracle was there this man who loved him. But more importantly, believed that he could love. Trusted that he did love. By some miracle was there someone who one day saw him with all his defenses up, and still trusted him with their heart. 

"I love you" was all he could muster as he felt the release of a weight he hadn't even realized was chained to him. Somebody _saw_ _him._ Not just his tough exterior. Somebody had been seeing the side of his soul that had been struggling to express its existence for years and he hadn't really realized it until that moment.

He could make it now. In some part of his mind, he could feel the gentle flex of his muscles lifting him off the ocean floor, his feet pushing off as he started his ascent towards where the sun met the water. Where he could finally breathe. He didn't need anyone to pull him out. He could do it. It was gonna take a little time and patience to get there, but this time there was no need for thrashing or struggling. No weight, no pressure, no suffocation, no blue.

In real life, Connor eventually calmed down enough to lift his head and look around. The sun was beginning to rise and the sky had bloomed into its rosy and citrus-colored hues. There was no more darkness, no more blue.

"You okay?" Evan asked, brain and body exhausted, but heart and arms still open, still prepared to do it all over again.

The corners of Connor's lips tugged up into a sleepy smile as he looked Evan in the eyes. A surging wave of pure joy washed over him when he did. Evan looked at him like he was a thing to be adored. And when Evan held his arms open for him to crawl back into, he was a thing to be understood and forgiven. And when Connor brought his lips to Evan's in a gentle kiss, he was a thing to be loved. 

For a moment, there was peace.

And if Connor never made it out of the ocean, it was enough for him to know that one day he was gonna learn how to keep his head above water. 

**Author's Note:**

> bit melodramatic innit?
> 
> Idk how I feel about this. It's a tad dramatic for my taste but idk how to fix that. This is also just a straight up projection piece so I understand if the characterization may seem kinda watered down.
> 
> Anyway I would love to know what you think in the comments if you have any perspective or thoughts or criticisms or anything else on it. Thank you so much for reading <3


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